I’m one of those people who will be driving along (not texting (or Facebooking, or Twittering (I might be lying)), wearing my seatbelt) and will take notice of another driver changing lanes sans utilization of their manufacturer-given blinker.
At that moment in time the automatic judgments start erupting in my mind.
That person is incompetent, irresponsible, negligent, and reckless.
Ten minutes will pass and I’ll still be driving along (because everything I want and need (i.e. want) is ridiculously far away) and I’ll do the necessary checking of the multiple mirrors and change lanes.
Did I use my blinker? Pffft. No. No I did not.
Immediately my hypocritical self will begin arguing with my judgmental self in an attempt to justify my lack of blinker usage.
And then my impartial self will interject; noting the irrelevance of my internal banter.
(I have issues. Numero uno being that I’m having arguments with different versions of myself (I’ll deal with this later.).)
You start making decisions about who you are (or who you think you want to be) at a very young age. I’m not going to say that these things are specifically based on any one thing…they just happen.
“I would never do that.”
Yeah, you probably wouldn’t.
But you probably will.
And people will probably look at you and go:
“That person is incompetent, irresponsible, negligent, and reckless.”
You are going to baffle every element of yourself (and every person in your path) at some point in your life. You will look at yourself and you will say “Who are you?! Where am I?!” “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!”
And there will be a chorus of people who sing along with you.
It’s like those stackable dolls. You keep pulling one out of the other and then eventually you get to that last one and you go “You look just like me. But you’re so tiny.” But instead of tiny you’ll say different. Because that’s what life does. It unravels you.
I have been so many different versions of myself in the past year alone that I’ve lost count. I try to keep tabs on the versions of myself that I liked and forget about the ones that left me uneasy. And then I think about what motivated those developments in my persona.
And it’s people.
It’s always people.
For me, people are like this highly reflective surface. I shine in their direction and those tiny blurbs of refracting light bounce off of them…only to come back and stick all over me. They outline who I am, they fill in the holes.
I become who I am surrounded by.
This is what happens in relationships.
You look at yourself and you go, “Wow, I really like the person I am right now.”
And then somewhere down the line the person who was motivating you to be that person stops reflecting the person in you that you’re enjoying and then you’re annoyed.
Read that again. I know it’s confusing.
But is it fair? To ask every person that has motivated good in you to stand perfectly still so that you can continue being the version of yourself that you want to be?
Maybe you think it’s fair. But it’s unlikely. People’s need to change is ongoing and ever evolving. If seeds didn’t turn into plants that turned into trees that emitted oxygen, lungs wouldn’t have a purpose and I wouldn’t be writing this because there’d be no oxygen to fuel my mind.
Change is to growth as growth is to life. Stop and you become lifeless (without life (you’re no longer living (do you get it yet?))).
When you fall in love (we all knew this was coming), you don’t just fall in love with that person. You fall in love with who you are when you’re with that person. They are directly reflecting everything that you think you want to be.
For the time being. And this is where commitment comes in.
When you place yourself in a committed relationship, you are putting all of your eggs in someone elses proverbial basket while saying, “Please, stand just like that and don’t move.”
But life moves. And then what?
That’s my dilemma. I walk into relationships and I say…”I know you’re going to change. Am I capable of still liking you when that happens? Am I capable of still liking myself when that happens?”
How do I know that what I want to be today is what I’ll want to be 10 years from now? Do I have issues with contentment?
When I was in grade school I remember walking through this field with my class and my teacher told us all to stop where we were and sit down. Naturally, we did. We were then instructed to stare directly down into the ground for the next 3 minutes.
Do you know what each and every one of us saw?
Life. Moving. Hundreds of tiny things happening that went unrecognized underneath our daily strides through that field.
And I feel like that’s where I’m at in my life. I just sat down in the field. And if all of this is happening right here, then what else am I missing?
Maybe I just have issues.
I think we’ll go with that one.