It’s been a joke in my circle of girlfriends that we would at some point formulate and distribute applications to men who solicit our attention in bars. I figured it was about time to stop joking and step up to the plate.
Why not just cut through all the niceties with a little paper work?
Below is an example of this (formerly) imaginary application and the justifications for all questions included.
Section 1: Casual Conversation
- First Name (see previous posts. If you’re looking to get laid, the provision of your birth name is unnecessary. You can write “Captain Awesome” here if you’d like):______________________
- Last Name (necessary for obvious reasons (see: Facebook stalking in clause 32a.e.0 )): _________________________
- Height (if you are shorter than 5’4″ please grow and resubmit application at a later date):_______
- Age (over 21 and under 40, please):___________
- Social Security Number (Yes. Background checks are necessary…because dating is terrifying):___________________
Section 2: General Knowledge
- If my sink were to explode in a fiery rage of water and chaos, would you know how to fix it? yes no
- Do you know how to change the oil in a car (and I don’t mean by dropping it off at Valvoline)? yes no
- Do you play any professional or recreational sports (if you answered yes to professional, skip the rest of this application and call us a cab)? If so, which ones? ________________________________
- Toothpaste preference (there is serious psychology to this. I’m a Crest girl, and Crest girls don’t date Colgate guys):_______________________
- Who currently holds office as our President?______________
- Define a noun:__________________
- Do you appreciate or hold disdain for extreme sarcasm (if you can’t figure out the reasoning behind this question, I hereby declare you dense)?_________
Section 3: Background
- Were you hugged enough as a child (really, I’m not trying to pay the price for your neglect)?____________
- Do you have a criminal record? yes no
- Are you a fucking ass hole (see Clause 38.3.oA)? yes no
Clause 32a.e.0: Facebook stalking to commence if and when deemed appropriate (i.e. if applicant is considered attractive and/or potentially entertaining). Applicant will be immediately disregarded if bonging vodka or wearing Affliction t-shirts seems commonplace in profile. Also, any quotes mentioning “bitches” or alluding to sex with multiple partners will result in disqualification (and looks of disgust).
Clause 38.3.oA: “Ass Hole” to be operationalized as an individual with blatant disregard to the general welfare and feelings of a female. Does not open doors, splits the tab, and most likely Nairs entire body.
I would immediately high-five and buy a shot for any guy that actually filled this out.
And then I’d steal his identity and squander his life savings on Michael Kors paraphernalia.
(this post is ridiculous and…ridiculous)