the nonsensical musings of a clueless twenty something

Application for Awesomeness


It’s been a joke in my circle of girlfriends that we would at some point formulate and distribute applications to men who solicit our attention in bars. I figured it was about time to stop joking and step up to the plate.

Why not just cut through all the niceties with a little paper work?

Below is an example of this (formerly) imaginary application and the justifications for all questions included.

_____________________________________________________

Section 1: Casual Conversation

  • First Name (see previous posts. If you’re looking to get laid, the provision of your birth name is unnecessary. You can write “Captain Awesome” here if you’d like):______________________
  • Last Name (necessary for obvious reasons (see: Facebook stalking in clause 32a.e.0 )): _________________________
  • Height (if you are shorter than 5’4″ please grow and resubmit application at a later date):_______
  • Age (over 21 and under 40, please):___________
  • Social Security Number (Yes. Background checks are necessary…because dating is terrifying):___________________

Section 2: General Knowledge

  • If my sink were to explode in a fiery rage of water and chaos, would you know how to fix it?      yes      no
  • Do you know how to change the oil in a car (and I don’t mean by dropping it off at Valvoline)?     yes     no
  • Do you play any professional or recreational sports (if you answered yes to professional, skip the rest of this application and call us a cab)? If so, which ones? ________________________________
  • Toothpaste preference (there is serious psychology to this. I’m a Crest girl, and Crest girls don’t date Colgate guys):_______________________
  • Who currently holds office as our President?______________
  • Define a noun:__________________
  • Do you appreciate or hold disdain for extreme sarcasm (if you can’t figure out the reasoning behind this question, I hereby declare you dense)?_________

Section 3: Background

  • Were you hugged enough as a child (really, I’m not trying to pay the price for your neglect)?____________
  • Do you have a criminal record?  yes    no
  • Are you a fucking ass hole (see Clause 38.3.oA)? yes   no

 

Clause 32a.e.0: Facebook stalking to commence if and when deemed appropriate (i.e. if applicant is considered attractive and/or potentially entertaining). Applicant will be immediately disregarded if bonging vodka or wearing Affliction t-shirts seems commonplace in profile. Also, any quotes mentioning “bitches” or alluding to sex with multiple partners will result in disqualification (and looks of disgust).

Clause 38.3.oA: “Ass Hole” to be operationalized as an individual with blatant disregard to the general welfare and feelings of a female. Does not open doors, splits the tab, and most likely Nairs entire body.

I would immediately high-five and buy a shot for any guy that actually filled this out.

And then I’d steal his identity and squander his life savings on Michael Kors paraphernalia.

(this post is ridiculous and…ridiculous)

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This entry was published on August 15, 2011 at 4:41 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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