the nonsensical musings of a clueless twenty something

Application for Awesomeness

It’s been a joke in my circle of girlfriends that we would at some point formulate and distribute applications to men who solicit our attention in bars. I figured it was about time to stop joking and step up to the plate.

Why not just cut through all the niceties with a little paper work?

Below is an example of this (formerly) imaginary application and the justifications for all questions included.


Section 1: Casual Conversation

  • First Name (see previous posts. If you’re looking to get laid, the provision of your birth name is unnecessary. You can write “Captain Awesome” here if you’d like):______________________
  • Last Name (necessary for obvious reasons (see: Facebook stalking in clause 32a.e.0 )): _________________________
  • Height (if you are shorter than 5’4″ please grow and resubmit application at a later date):_______
  • Age (over 21 and under 40, please):___________
  • Social Security Number (Yes. Background checks are necessary…because dating is terrifying):___________________

Section 2: General Knowledge

  • If my sink were to explode in a fiery rage of water and chaos, would you know how to fix it?      yes      no
  • Do you know how to change the oil in a car (and I don’t mean by dropping it off at Valvoline)?     yes     no
  • Do you play any professional or recreational sports (if you answered yes to professional, skip the rest of this application and call us a cab)? If so, which ones? ________________________________
  • Toothpaste preference (there is serious psychology to this. I’m a Crest girl, and Crest girls don’t date Colgate guys):_______________________
  • Who currently holds office as our President?______________
  • Define a noun:__________________
  • Do you appreciate or hold disdain for extreme sarcasm (if you can’t figure out the reasoning behind this question, I hereby declare you dense)?_________

Section 3: Background

  • Were you hugged enough as a child (really, I’m not trying to pay the price for your neglect)?____________
  • Do you have a criminal record?  yes    no
  • Are you a fucking ass hole (see Clause 38.3.oA)? yes   no


Clause 32a.e.0: Facebook stalking to commence if and when deemed appropriate (i.e. if applicant is considered attractive and/or potentially entertaining). Applicant will be immediately disregarded if bonging vodka or wearing Affliction t-shirts seems commonplace in profile. Also, any quotes mentioning “bitches” or alluding to sex with multiple partners will result in disqualification (and looks of disgust).

Clause 38.3.oA: “Ass Hole” to be operationalized as an individual with blatant disregard to the general welfare and feelings of a female. Does not open doors, splits the tab, and most likely Nairs entire body.

I would immediately high-five and buy a shot for any guy that actually filled this out.

And then I’d steal his identity and squander his life savings on Michael Kors paraphernalia.

(this post is ridiculous and…ridiculous)

This entry was published on August 15, 2011 at 4:41 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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