Taylor Swift and I have a lot in common.
I don’t know anything about her favorite color or her favorite bands or where she grew up…but I think we’re on the same page when it comes to dating the wrong people. More so that we both use our frustration constructively. Swift writes ballads. I write blogs.
Her life annoyances bring fame and fortune, mine will bring me (if anything) peace of mind and potentially material for the self-help book I’m going to write on dating (I’m currently working on a chapter entitled Xanax and 40s…Your Road to Absolution).
For the purpose of today’s blog, though, I think I will turn my attention to the needs of the male populace. Yes, even though you continuously disappoint and amaze me with your stupidity, I am still interested in helping you (I know, I know, I’m so gracious).
After a conversation with a few of my girlfriends, I decided it necessary to address the following pre-split tag lines: “Things are moving too quickly,” “I just don’t want to jump into anything right away,” and “I just got out of a really serious relationship and…blah.”
Below are a few guidelines of things to avoid if you have no interest in settling down or pursuing something serious with a female. If you follow these, it will save us time, it will save you time, and it will keep the topic of your ignorance out of my ambiguous yet completely direct blog postings.
1. Do not, for any reason, introduce her to your family. Your mom, your dad, your dog…I don’t care. Actually, don’t even tell her where you live. Informing her of your real name isn’t actually necessary, either.
2. Things of the remotely sweet or thoughtful in nature (like showing up with her favorite flavor of ice cream just because)? Evade! If you could avoid remembering anything from held conversations and take zero interest in her work life as well, you’d be setting yourself up for success.
3. Don’t make inside jokes with her. Actually, laughter of all kinds is strictly prohibited. Do not adopt her tag lines, do not send inside-joke related emoticons, and above all, DO NOT repeatedly quote her ridiculous comments.
4. Don’t walk through lightning bug infested golf courses in the middle of the night drinking wine. Also, avoid sharing a raft at midnight on the Lake. Topics of conversation to avoid while in these situations (that you shouldn’t be in in the first place) would include life plans and past relationships…or anything else remotely serious. Welcome topics of converstaion: Family Guy. Bodily functions. Frat parties. Favorite You Tube videos.
5. Don’t rub her head. Or her feet. Or her shoulders. Actually, physical contact outside of your trying to sleep with her is obscenely unnecessary. There are two couches in the living room for a reason. No eye contact.
6. Don’t make plans to hang out with her every.night.of.the.week. Because, you know, when you do that, it might make her feel like you enjoy spending time with her or something. When you do hang out, don’t spring for fancy dinners or good wine. Taco Bell and Jack in the Box. That’s it.
Don’t tell her you missed her.
Don’t do anything that might make her feel wanted or otherwise comfortable with you.
Actually, just don’t ask for her phone number. Problem solved.
The thing is, your claim of things “moving too fast” is completely null and void when you were the one setting the pace. You initiated it. You pursued it. You got us here.
And now we’re supposed to feel like we did something wrong by simply agreeing to go along for the ride?
I didn’t ask for this, or you, or to be invited anywhere or to do anything. I just answered the phone and did a lot of nodding.
Changing your mind about someone is allowed. People do it every day. But don’t use some cop-out lame excuse to make yourself feel better about it. And don’t make me feel like a crazy person for having expectations.
That’s it for the guys today.
And to the universe: Please stop sending me things that I didn’t ask for. I’m tired. Thanks.
(cue John Mayer-esque guitar riffs)
Over and out (of time, patience, and coffee).