the nonsensical musings of a clueless twenty something

Cosmo…Shaken and Disturbed

Cosmopolitan magazines irk me. Unfortunately, they hail as King of my guilty pleasures (also inclusive of pizza lunchables, Glee, Sarah Dessen, and all things pistachio/chocolate flavored) as well.

I want to know how to find my future husband, obtain washboard abdominals, what my OBGYN isn’t telling me (bastards), and what he really thinks about me…which, you know, I’ll be able to decipher after I observe his sleeping habits or the way he shrugs. 

Cosmo is ridiculous. And it’s going to turn the females of this world into paranoid and delusional psychos (if their exes haven’t already beat em to the punch).

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for the empowerment and edification of the female populace. Howevs, Cosmo has definitely swayed drastically from their capabilities in this realm.

Case in point. Let’s talk about this month’s issue.

The cover:

78 Ways to Turn Him on: These Words Will Make His Pulse Pound Hard

What Men Want Most at 9 p.m.

The Weird Trait Guys Look For in a Date

The inside is also littered with factoids about how to get his attention, where to find him, what he wants to see you wear, eat, feel, and…well…be.

Why do I care?

Who needs 78 ways to turn him on? I can think of one tried and true way that hasn’t failed me yet. Honestly, I’m feeling like men might need more help in this area than we do.

Here’s a clue.

Being poked isn’t sexy.

Also, I don’t care what you want at 9 p.m. Do you know what I want at 9 p.m.? Probably a nap…because I’ve been working for 12 hours. Or a back massage. Or maybe a conversation. If you’re lucky, I might bring you home Taco Bell and not hit you when you try to touch me.

And as far as that “weird” trait goes…anyone have a guess at what that was inclusive of?  

If they can tell you’ll be a good mother.

Rules of First Dates:

Don’t get too drunk
Don’t dress like a whore
Display motherly traits

Does that mean I have to pick you up, pay for everything, and pacify you until you drift off to sleep?

I’m good. Thanks.

In addition to this nonsense, Cosmo likes to throw in articles relating body language and truth.

If he walks a foot ahead of you he’s not interested. If he sleeps on his back he thinks you’re pretty. If he leans into you during conversation he likes your dog and thinks you’ll make beautiful babies together. Also…the way he folded his hands on the table? Totally means he lied about whose shorts those were. Ass hole.

Can you imagine? As if we don’t have enough to worry about.

How about you invest in a grain of self-confidence and be honest with yourself? If you need to dissect his body language to figure out whether or not you have a promising future together….I’m going to suggest moving on with your life.

If you’re really that desperate to find a man and be the girl of his dreams…here are a few of my own suggestions (not that they work…I’m definitely very single).

1. Get a gym membership. Not only is it good for you and your endorphin levels…it’s also somewhere to meet people. Even if it’s not the man of your dreams…striking up conversations will expand your social circle and boost your confidence (please refrain from wearing tiny shorts, tight shirts, and walking on the treadmill. Nothing screams desperate like a made-up and completely sweatless female in trendy Nike gear at the gym).

2. Have an opinion. Guys don’t always like a girl who nods incessantly at everything he says. It’s not going to kill the conversation if you disagree now and again. And if it does…he’s probably not worth the energy you’ve invested thus far. Pack it up and go.

3. Try new things. Rock climbing. Thai food. Salsa dancing? I don’t care. It broadens your horizons and gives you something to contribute later. “No, I haven’t done that, but I have done this. We should go sometime.”

4. If you like him, don’t sleep with him. Sorry guys.

However, if you feel little to no connection…but feel like he might be a promising candidate in other arenas…that’s up to your own discretion.

5. Listen to your friends. And your dog if you’ve got one. My dog peed on a guy’s bed once. Needless to say we weren’t meant to be. And if your friends are as good as mine…they’ll tell you who is and isn’t worth your time (because, well, we all wear blinders sometimes).

Anyone else have a contribution to this? I’d love to hear it.

In the meantime…step away from the Cosmo. Unless it’s vodka infused. If it is vodka infused…save me one. I’ll be there in 10.


This entry was published on May 25, 2011 at 4:37 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “Cosmo…Shaken and Disturbed

  1. nata_says_so on said:

    Thank you for reminding me why I don’t read women’s magazines. Geez.

    I have one: There is a difference between personal growth and losing yourself to be what someone else wants. Know the difference and avoid the latter.

    You are awesomeness as usual.


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